I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
