i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
