The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
