So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
