My liver just broke up with me...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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