my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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