Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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