I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize