If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
