im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
