The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
