Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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