Having a random hookup so left but love u
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
