Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
