any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
