I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
