The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
