I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
