She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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