..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
