i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
