I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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