he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
