I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
