I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
