Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
