I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
