I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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