Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
