Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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