...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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