I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
