Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize