I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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