Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
