Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
