Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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