I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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