Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
