do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
