No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
