i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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