I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I touched a dick in church today
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