just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
