Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
