never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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