saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
