note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
