you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
