Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
