I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
