My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
