The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
