I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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