if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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