the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
