apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
