You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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